This Heart of Mine

   Hello my darlings! As per usual I apologize for my absence, but school is out and I definitely intend to blog more. Today I wan't to be entirely honest with my current feelings that have been laying very heavy on my heart and those feelings are about relationships. I am almost nineteen and a half (the half is very important) and I've never have I had any kind of boyfriend or relationship. And lately that has been making me very bummed. I have been feeling like not enough, as if there is something wrong with me because I don't grab guys attention or go on dates or have that kind of love.

   Usually when I start thinking this way I listen to sappy songs from Corine Bailey Rae or The Cure and they just let me spiral down into a black pit, but this time i decided to give all the wallowing sadness to God. Just as background to how I am as a person, I don't know why but for some reason my mind loves to hold on to sadness, I don't like it but I just send myself deeper until I am a sad sack of potatoes so giving things like this to God is a struggle for me. I first started "giving it to God" by turning off The Cure and turning on the worship music. If you ask to talk to God during worship he will talk and during this time his answer back to me was love. I had been craving human affection, but then I thought about God's affection, His great insurmountable love. And then I was blown back. I now started to think more about God is my first love and my greatest love.

These pictures are from my baptism and they accurately depict me in amidst God's love.  Both tops: Forever 21; Pants: Anthropology. 

My favorite pin is from Cause Con and my necklace is from Forever 21.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow not even the powers of hell con separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 8:38-39  

   What I have been wanting is a person who thinks about me all the time, who loves to talk to me, and be there for me when I needed someone desperately. And then it hit me, that is God. He thinks about how he loves me every second of every moment and he doesn't just think it, he shows us. So when I continued to think about this and I asked God to give me the eyes and ears to see him and his love for me and he did not disappoint. He showed me all the love letters he had been leaving me all day, I just needed to change my mindset. Then I thought, I want a person's love, but what can a person give me that God couldn't give me 100000 times better and perfectly?

"How I praise the Lord that you are concerned about me again. I know you have always been concerned for me, but you didn't have the chance to help me. Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Even so, you have done well to share with me in my present difficulty." Philippians 4:10-14

   I am not saying that I'm completely cured of my longing of a relationship because I'm not. I still want one and it's still a struggle but I am giving my struggle to God and learning starting to know that relationships are just extra love and there is a chance that it isn't in God's plan for me to marry and I might not want that but I need to remember God made us as humans to live off of his love completely. That thought will always be a comfort to know that we are complete no matter who loves us or not because our heavenly father will continuously love us.
   Well I pray that this helped and comforted some of you and that you have a wonderful week and you recognize all the blessings God has already given you!

xx,

Cristianne